Have you ever seen spiders?

For those of you who aren't aware I have a sleeping disorder. I suffer from time to time from sleep paralysis. Which is a condition where I wake up conscious; but I cannot move.

When this happens I just lay there cool as a cucumber drifting between an awake and dream state. My brain is fully active, and I can hear everything that is going on in the room I am asleep in. But at the same time I am also dreaming.

I have never had a bad sleep paralysis experience, but I have heard and read about tons of people having horrible ones. People that have this condition; often report having crazy dreams about demons sitting on their chests or about aliens coming into their bed to lay with them.

It has always been my prediction that they have these crazy dreams because they are really bothered by the fact that they cannot move, so they try to scare themselves awake. The reason that we cannot move is because when you go to sleep your body temporarily paralyzes itself so you do not try and physically act out your dreams. And in those of us who encounter sleep paralysis in our lifetimes, there is a slight chemical imbalance.

In my particular case, I'm never that bothered by the fact that I cannot move. I don't know why it doesn't bother me, but it doesn't. So I just lay there motionless, asleep and awake floating in my mind.

I would say that has been going on since 2002. And I'm not concerned about it in the least. But lately something else has been happening related to sleeping that has been making me think I'm crazy.

And tonight it happened again, so I decided to look up my symptoms on the internet and find out if anyone else was having these weird occurrences happen to them too. And now that I have read about 400 testimonials, and feel a little bit more normal, I will discuss what's been happening here.

About three hours ago, before I started reading these testimonials, I fell asleep. I woke up about fifteen minutes later, and was facing the wall. On the wall was a black orb that was moving towards me. The orb turned into a Black Spider and kept crawling toward my head. As I moved my head away, as to not get bitten, it disintegrated.

I wasn't freaked out in the least.  This has been happening for quite some time.  At least over a year, and possibly longer.  It doesn't happen every time that I wake up, but it's a fairly frequent occurrence.  Tonight was the first time that I thought I might be mentally unstable, that a spider that my mind has conjured up climbed down the wall and tried to bite me.  But now that I have been reading about so many other people that it happens to, I feel better.  We can't all be crazy can we?

I almost feel like I'm onto a mystery now.  Perhaps the most fascinating mystery that I will ever work on and the most important.  There are some interesting questions that I already have about this, and I think it's a mystery that will never be solved.  Very little is known about sleep or the inner workings of the brain.  And even if the technology caught up to the brain at some point, would it still be able to tell me why so many people, myself included, see black spiders when we wake up?  I doubt it.

There is no medical answer for the question.  That's what I have learned from the testimonials.  There are just 500 of us or so that are seeing these damned things.  Some of these people think it is a spiritual issue and not a medical one.  Which I think is plausible.  Not that I think giving my life to Jesus would make them go away, but perhaps there are some subconscious spiritual issues that I need to deal with, and until I do forever shall I see these unclean creatures.

Why are so many different people from different regions and different walks of life, seeing spiders?  It's kind of freaky to think we are all seeing the exact same thing.  And there are some people that are claiming they are seeing worse.  They are seeing small persons, and dark spirits in their room.  At least for now all I am seeing are the spiders.  It could be worse I suppose.  But I think it's a very significant clue that everyone who has this phenomenon is at least seeing spiders.

I personally think that what I'm really seeing is a black orb.  I am seeing it for the same reason that I have sleep paralysis, because there is a slight chemical imbalance between my rem cycle and awakening.  It's the exact opposite of when I'm having sleep paralysis.  Instead of not being able to move, I can move completely and open my eyes, so my paralysis is gone but in some respect I am still dreaming.

That little black orb carries over from my dream land to my awakened state.  And because of its size and shape my rational awake side of my brain thinks it must be a spider.  And then my imagination makes it act like one.  And when I completely wake up several seconds later, when my chemicals level, it disintegrates.

I hope this orb stays spider sized.  Because that's what I think these people who can see larger visions are seeing.  They just have more carry over chemical to the awakened side of their existence, so they can create larger dreams, day dreams in fact.  Real day dreams with as many characters as may exist in a sleeping dream.  Which is a terrifying, slightly provoking thought.  Because if I have learned one thing from my sleep paralysis it is this:  dreams are very frightening.  Even the best friendly dreams have their insane mind shattering moments.  Trust me the one little spider I see in the morning is enough to ruin my whole day.  But what if an entire dream that you couldn't shut off haunted your every morning?  That's a ride I'd like to take one time, maybe.  Some of these people report that it takes up to thirty seconds for their chemicals to level.  Thirty seconds in a dream is an eternity.  Sometimes when I lay there paralyzed only a minute has gone by in reality, but I could swear I've been laying there for hours. 

So that's my crazy sleep life, in general.  What's your crazy sleep life like?  What do you dream about?  Have you ever had a lucid dream?  I think we need to talk about these things.  Do you have any thoughts about why I see black spiders when I wake up?  I'd love to hear. 

An urban missile

Before you read this entry, click play on this youtube video and enjoy the sounds of Grizzly Bear.  This is a potentially life altering track, do not miss it. This video is of the movie Seven and has nothing to do with the music, aside from the fact that whomever posted this montage on youtube.com thought it went together.  



And now....that you have that playing in the background.... onto urban missiles.........




I don't know how many of you smoke.  Well that's not entirely true.  I know exactly how many of the 4 people that read this blog smoke.  But you don't blog for the blog you have.  You blog for the blog you want ;) 

Since none of you do, you might not know about throwing an atomic missile.  You see smoking turns you into a monster.  A cigarette flicking fire tossing 500 pound gorilla in the room is what you become.  Smoking cigarettes numbs your mind to the fact that they're even on fire.  You soon forget it as the addiction overtakes your common sense.  And after a while you don't even notice what you're smoking around.  Or even care for that matter, in any way. 

So here's how it goes down.  You're smoking on your father's oil rig in Houston Texas....  Two guys who have just been in gigantic oil spills come running on your position.  Without even thinking you throw your cigarette directly at the gentleman and they burst into flames....causing company ending law suits.... 

Ok it never goes down that way.  If it did you might start to care about where you toss your flaming step children.  But for some reason cigarettes, I am human enough to report, never blow stuff up. 

I don't know why they don't, but I have certainly seen enough field tests to know they will not ignite anything.  I have, with wind guided precision, flicked a lit cigarette into a carburetor this morning.  some twenty minutes ago mind you; having yet to hear an explosion.   

I have also flicked my cigarette fire starters into especially dry forests and have yet to cause damage or harm to one.  One time a lit cig fell right out of my mouth onto a wooden casket that I had just personally spilled alcohol on, and.... nothing.  Well not exactly nothing; everyone got to see me run and cover. 

I had a step grandmother who had a fire in her apartment one time when I was a child.  I'm starting to think that the adults in my life just told me a cigarette started the fire, so I wouldn't consider smoking.  

Seriously I have launched so many horrendous urban missiles that my right to smoke should be revoked.  Seriously who smokes near a paper factory on a windy day?  Who has put a cigarette out on his great grandmother's oxygen tank?  Who picks up his hair spray factory girlfriend at work chiefing?  

I do.  The smoker.  The dirty all powerful me. It's disheartening really to see every butt you toss, regardless of aim, end up in a dry leaf pile.   

Big Black Epiphany

If it is my destiny to teach others how to love themselves, my own experience must be what I impart. Being awesome and loving yourself is not just my message, it is also my journey. It’s a path that I can only lead others down once I know the way myself. But I know it’s real, it has to be because I’m not just selling it I am living it.

The therapeutic power of admitting the following information to a wide audience about myself cannot be measured. It is invaluable. You do not have to admit anything to the world, but when you can admit something as equally distressing to yourself as I am about to admit to you, something amazing will happen. You will take action.

Just by admitting or acknowledging to yourself, that you’re very aware what goes on, starts a process. You may not fix what needs to be fixed, but you’ll start to figure out how to do it. When you’re awesome and you love yourself you make yourself submit from exhaustion, to be who you will become. It is going to be one hell of a fight. Round one is honesty. Here is my fight:

For my entire life I have easily become addicted to things. Until recently I thought the term “addictive personality” was kind of cute and not in any way a serious condition. I thought it only applied to alcohol, drugs, and preferences. For the most part I have been aware that I get addicted to things rather quickly. What I have failed to understand is how deep it actually goes.

With my addictive personality there is no bottom. It doesn’t stop it’s just a big black hole. And it’s not just a part of me, it is me. It is me completely. I am a hole, and I am dark and bottomless. And the more that I try and fit inside of me, the larger that hole becomes.

I just thought that having an addictive personality meant that I could get addicted to things easily. Things like cigarettes and chewing gum, and watermelon jolly ranchers. What I now believe to be true about my personality is that all of it is an addiction. My addictive personality is my personality. Everything I am and do is for or at least fueled by an addiction.

When I get a mosquito bite, I scratch it. It feels so good, why wouldn’t I scratch it? And I do not stop scratching, and scratching, and after a while I bleed. The way I treat my mosquito bites could surmise the way I interact with everything.

I am a user, and an abuser. I am quite possibly fake all the way thru to my core. I am a walking talking expanding addiction. I am a two hundred and thirty two pound self deprecating demon.

I think I have just realized my largest problem. And it’s a little scary, but at least I now know what I have to fix. I don’t really know how to fix this problem, because I have been living it for so long. I have 29 years of habits to evaluate and exterminate.

Do I even do what I want to do? Do I even like the things that I crave? Who am I, and why have I been asleep for so long?

I don’t know what your biggest flaw is. You might not either. But I do know until you admit it to yourself you will never truly be in self love. So you’d better figure it out, before you destroy yourself.

Global Warning!

I will never ever pay a carbon tax. I owe my allegiance to the Bill of Rights and the Constitution of the United States and no other entity. A carbon tax is almost as ridiculous as the idea of global warming. And I will tell you why.

Global Warming is a hoax. If you want to know why the globe on a whole has been warming for the past 100 years you need to look to the universe. The Solar System is warming, at exactly the same rate. If our industrialized world is warming at the same rate as the uninhabited space around it, are SUV’s and carbon dioxide really to blame?

There is only one reason that the climate in the Solar System is warming, and we call it the Sun. Every 500 years solar flare activity in the nucleus of the Sun increases. We don’t exactly know why it happens, but you can set your clock to it. During the 1500’s “Global Warming” was happening too.

Carbon is not the problem. Carbon is one of the four building blocks of life! That’s what they really want to tax, is life. We cannot give the power to tax a building block of all life to any government organization. Especially not to a multi-national organization!

Taxing carbon is a slippery slope, and it’s being sold to the people of the industrialized world as a step to save planet Earth. The modern green movement is a sham set up by Eugenicists a long time ago. They do not want to save the planet, they want to enslave it.

And when I say they, I do mean a multi national organization. Call them what you will, “A New World Order” “The Bilderbergs” call them what you will. A Carbon Tax is the first step toward a one world government.

Global Warming has never ever been proved. There are several international proclamations signed by thousands and thousands of Climatologists stating this exact fact. You can find any of them out online if you know how to work a common search engine.

Despite what Al Gore wants you to believe, it’s just not scientific fact. Here is a scientific inconvenient truth however, since Al Gore launched his movie, “An Inconvenient Truth” in 2006 he has earned more than a billion dollars for himself. He sold out to the highest bidder.

Senator Harry Reid has put the Carbon Tax bill on the docket for November 15th. It has already passed in the House of Representatives, and I fear it will narrowly in the Senate too. These could be the last few frail days of what used to be a truly great independent nation.

It may in fact be time to start asking yourself some very important questions about what being an American means to you. What line would the government have to incrementally cross before you did something? I for one am considering ex patriotism. As I fear a pestilence of apathy has already suffocated the possibility of a revolution.

Please Watch this Documentary

This is Alex Jones documentary called "Fall of the Republic: The Presidency of Barack Obama"

Do I believe everything in this documentary is 100% factual? No. I certainly do not, but I think there is plenty in here you should see and disseminate for yourself. Let it swirl around your brain for a while, and draw your own conclusions or research these topics further. Don't just automatically think something is true or false, find out for yourself.

Death, loss, and nothing you can do

The cruel hand of death has been all around a lot of people in my life lately. And while it has passed over my door this time, next time I may not be so lucky. I have suddenly been asked to be a shoulder to cry on for several close friends who are dealing with the loss of a loved one. What do you say? What can you do? The answer is, nothing.

There is nothing you can do after someone is gone to show them how much you love them. That is a hard pill to swallow for anyone, but we all must. When someone is gone, that's just where they are. There are no secret bridges or passage-ways to the other side.

Lately I have been thinking if I have been preparing myself for the loss of anyone. And I really don't think that I have been. If you love someone you better go and tell them. If you haven't talked to your grandmother who raised you, or your mother in a while, you better just go and do it.

That's really the only way to deal with death. Spend your life loving those who love you, and making the most of every today. Tomorrow may never come, you might not ever get that chance you've been hoping for.

I challenge you to call everyone who is important to you right now, and tell them why they are. Don't leave things up to fate, take control.

Be awesome and love those around you. And in turn you really will be loving yourself.

The most wronged man in the history of planet earth

I have waited for over two years for it. My favorite player is back. I bet he's still awesome, and I bet he can still do everything that he used to do.

I don't want to stir the pot one more time, but I really think it's a shame that he had to miss the past two seasons. I have always been a believer and had his back.

In case you don't know he's the best player that has ever played the game. And here are ten plays to prove it.

Do you still???

Yes I still....

Here's the latest thing

Chaos doesn't exist...

Have you been being awesome and loving yourselves? I know I have. I've had plenty of reasons to give up lately too. August of 2009 has left its mark on my vessel. No doubt about it, and I'm sure it hasn't been easy for all of you either.

But even in these darker of times we can practice self love and make it work. I have had my share of personal, social, and physical dilemmas lately. There has been plenty to worry, cry, and sweat about.

But it's really easy to be into self love when your chips are up. However, a true warrior on the path to being awesome, remains unshaken in lieu of the circumstances. A good thing that I like to remind myself of when my chips are low, is that chaos doesn't actually exist.

Perception is life. It's what it's all about. And if you understand that there is order in everything, then your perception can always be of your own choosing.

The only thing that makes a situation appear chaotic, is the lack of an assumed outcome. All situations have outcomes, even ones that make you stay up all night crying. Your little tiny worrying brain just needs to calm down, because everything is going to be alright. Because even when all the shit you can imagine has hit every fan in your house, you live on. There is order in chaos. Sometimes there is more order in a chaotic situation, than a serene one.

There is nothing to worry about. Whatever could happen, will or won't, and you will fall into order. Just as everything in the universe will obey the order of life, so must you.

So all you can really choose is what kind of attitude you will have. And nobody loves a sour puss.

So be amazing, take some risks, and keep following through.

The Year of the old girl friend.

I have unofficially declared 2009 the Year of the Old Girl Friend. They have really been coming out of the woodwork lately. Calling from different states and shit just to talk to me.

What's even more ironic about the situation is I never ever once thought that I had a good break up. It seems like the girl and I just sort of stopped seeing and talking all together. I never thought I was doing any of this intentionally but I thought I'd play along with it to make everything seem cool.

What is it about the sound of an old flame's voice that can take you back in some sort of time machine? Instantly you're 16 or 24 again and you're right back there. You are for a moment even emotionally back there.

I'm hearing good things about the old me I guess. I was always good to them, treated them right; the sort of things you'd want to hear from an old gal pal. But I dunno it just makes me think of all the reasons it didn't work out. It's a very nice happy way to start a good sad thought.

Loving yourself

Why do I want to be awesome and love myself?:

You might be asking yourself why any of this is relevant. And to be completely honest I don't have a really good answer for you. I'm sure there are billions of humans that have already lived and died who didn't ever love themselves. Or there were people who loved themselves to a certain point but than jettisoned their own passion for some reason or other.

My belief is that when you love yourself unconditionally, and strive to be awesome every waking moment that only then are you working at your fullest potential. You may not be depressed about yourself or your situation in life. You may perceive everything to be fine and comfortable. And you might be right. I'm asking you to find out for yourself. Along the way you might find that you've been living exactly the way you should be all along. And if that's all you get out of this book, wouldn't that be great enough? I think it would. Even better what if you discovered something(s) about yourself along the way?

The very best reason that you need to start loving yourself is because nobody is going to do it for you. There is only one "me" in every one's life. And it's a very important person to be. There is nobody that can love you like you. And you will be the greatest love of your life. And you will allow yourself to live unashamedly and reap all that you sow.

Who am I?:

You have been living with your self for a very long time, and you probably have no idea who you even are. There are so many demands of living in a society there is almost no time to be an individual. Especially in a modern society where anyone can text, call or page you almost instantly.

You have to make some time to be alone. You have to love being alone. Because it's the time you'll get to be spending with the greatest love of your life. I have never been a person who has hated being alone. I know a lot of people who are very against the idea however. But you have to make some time to get to know yourself and fall in love with yourself a little more every day.

I like to take myself out on dates. A nice stroll through the library with yourself is very relaxing. Myself and I we love going to the video arcade together, and we have seen some pretty great sunsets in the park. This idea may seem a little silly at first, but if you would try it I think you'd be pleasantly surprised at how much fun the two of you can have on your own.

Why am I trying to date myself?:

Yourself and you have been fighting ever since you were born. You are a walking contradiction between the person you choose to be and the person you are. Don't you think it's time to re-examine some of the choices you've made? Maybe the person you are knows something too.

That's what myself and I spend a lot of time with. Who are we? It's a very big question, and an even more important conversation to be having. Especially with someone who unconditionally supports you. There is actually no other person you could be having this conversation with.

Hopefully when you really do find out who you are, and who you're trying to be you can make some compromises. You can reach an apex of the individual you are and the socialite you feel you have to be.

Everyone lies to themselves:

It is such a silly thing actually. Lying is so easy to do we don't even think about it sometimes when we do it. We learned how to do it as children and we've been doing it ever since. A little white lie here, a slightly larger one there it's so easy! Everyone believes pretty much anything you tell them.

The only problem is when you've become so adept at lying, as we all are, you start to forget you're even telling them or who you're telling them to. Pretty soon, sure enough you're lying to yourself.

The main problem with lying to yourself is that you are yourself. You will believe your own mind over any other source of knowledge. Even in spite of contrary evidence your gut always knows best.

When you love someone and I mean really truly love them you cannot lie to them. Because if you did really love them like you say you do you would be willing to talk to them about the hard things too.

It's very easy to avoid conversations with those close around you. Some people might even prefer to keep being lied to just to keep the smoothness of it all. Life isn't always about being smooth though. When you love someone you bring up those things because you want what's best for them.

And when the greatest love of your life needs a cold dose of the truth you need to tell it. How can you love yourself if you're not even brave enough to admit that you've told him/her lies?

If you want to love yourself like I want you to love yourself this might be a good time to admit some of the times you've lied to yourself. And it's ok to cry I won't tell anyone and neither will yourself.

Now that you've had a good cry(don't worry there will be more) STOP LYING TO YOURSELF DUMMY! And when you're ready to stop lying we'll move on.

Being Awesome and Loving Yourself

Over the next few weeks I'm going to be work shopping the next new thing for me. It's a book called "Being Awesome and Loving Yourself." I'm not going to post the book here, but I'm going to use this blog as a brainstorm environment for themes and ideas that will ultimately make up the meat and potatoes of my book....at least we'll get some blogs out of it anyway.




Being Awesome:

Awesome is obviously slang for something being really great, or awe inspiring. Awesome is the word I use for myself. Ultimately I want you to have your own word for yourself that means something to you. But until you do, go ahead and use mine and be awesome. Say it right now. "My name is ________ and I am awesome."

You might already think you're pretty cool, even a little awesome. You might start thinking to yourself, I don't need to know how to love myself, I love myself pretty darn good come to think of it. You might be right, not everyone needs this book. Put it down, stop reading and go be amazing. Best of luck to you. As for the rest of us...

Being awesome has a lot in common with hitting a home run. I have hit 7 in my life time. Hitting a home run and being awesome in life have nothing to do with results and everything to do with follow through. You show up everyday, and you keep your form solid and eventually you hit one out of the park.

Awesome people don't have time to worry or fear. It is not that they don't feel those emotions but they have already made arrangements for them. If something is scary they are going to confront it, and if something is troubling them they are going to get to the bottom of it. And whenever something comes up they keep at it and always follow it through to the finish line.

They don't do it because they want the recognition that comes along with being impressive, they do it so that their mind is doubtless and an open canvass ready and in shape for self love.

That's why people should be awesome. Not to win an award, or a ribbon, or be the most popular kid on your block. But because you are awesome. And anything less from you would be a disgrace. Now go look in that mirror, wink at that handsome guy or gal winking back and say to yourself "you know what baby...you are awesome."

Bad things happen to awesome people too:

You are going to fail and things are not going to go your way. That's life. Even when you're so amazingly awesome you fail. You trip, you get bruised, but you get up. You dust yourself off, and you follow through. You keep being awesome, don't ever give that up.

People, friends even, are going to point out all of your flaws along the way. They are going to tell you a million reasons why you shouldn't expect anything good, and question every major decision you are about to make in your life. They are going to hit you when you are down and it is going to hurt like a son of a bitch. They do this because if you do actually become the person you want to be, then they might have to become the people they want to be too. And for most people that's a little bit too much to handle at the moment.

Everyone has anchors, ghosts and skeletons in the closet. But when you're awesome and not a victim but the perpetrator who is completely utterly in charge of everything that goes on around them, and prepared for whatever could not be perceived. You are going to untie your star from all of your prior baggage and soar off into the night sky with only the edges of the universe as your boundaries. And when you get there you will have a plan for them too, you're fairly certain.

Being awesome begins with you. Take another look in the mirror. You see yourself? Look at all of that awesomeness looking right back at you. Put this book down and go out there and start soaring. Don't take shit from anyone today, especially all of the haters. If anyone says anything negative to you today you put up a fight, and teach them some manners. You're the awesome one now. Well that's actually a lie, because you cannot be awesome until I teach you how to love yourself. Tomorrow come back and read the next chapter on loving yourself. And when you do really love yourself and put your new awesome personality on top of it, nothing will ever stop you.

So I'm getting a haircut

My regular barber was way too busy to fit me in today. Which was fine. I just went down the street to a Supercuts which has offered up satisfactory service in the past. Usually I enjoy the Supercuts experience, there are usually young beautiful women waiting there to cut your hair and take all of your tip money.

Not today.... Today there were haggardly old women working at the Supercuts. I was wondering if the recent downturn in the economy has seen all of the younger more human ones go away, due to lack of hours or seniority. I didn't really know how to ask the question without being rude..."So where did all the hot chicks go?" So I sat there quietly and thumbed a Maxim.

Right before it was my turn this 30 something Indian woman came in to work her shift. I was to be her first hair-cut of the day, and she didn't really look....awake. I was in a rush and I'm actually quite an agreeable person, so I didn't mind that she was waking up on the clock so long as we got the job done.

As I'm explaining to her my intentions for my hair, she took the reigns. I never know what I really want anyway. Usually when it's one of the younger broads we just flirt and talk for a bit, and then they decide what looks best on my head. Although they ask me questions about the hair along way and we come to some sort of mutual agreement toward the finish line.

With this lady whose name was something like Zuta or something like that, it was going to be a different affair entirely. She told me how it was going to be, and what was going to be done and where to put my feet. When I slouched, or even attempted a conversation she let it be known that we were having none of that.

And I kind of liked it. I liked her controlling ways. I guess I'm more submissive than I thought. At the end of it all I didn't even like the hair cut, but I liked how I was treated.

I left there wet and pleased. I even tipped her. Thanks Zuta (?) for letting me know that I like to be handled.

My Mom reads my blog everyday

Everyday since March 20th my Mom has been reading my blog. She is my most consistent reader and I love her very much.

So I'm writing this because I know it will make her smile. But she doesn't get off that easy. Here's a picture I took of her in her favorite reading chair.

love you...

I fell and then laughed about it

Just some small updates because I haven't posted in a while.

I went to Chico CA last weekend, and had a blast. Got to play harmonica with a few people and play guitar and sing for people in Bidwell Park for the better part of two hours. Chico is my kind of town. Everyone I met there played an instrument and drank beer. I will probably retire there one day.

After I got back from the Chico trip I went to a small kegger here in Sacramento. Where we arranged to have about 14 instruments all get together to form the largest porch band ever. I would have to say the star of the show was a lady who came by from off the street with a fiddle. She was amazing. I would have never guessed how cool a fiddle could be.

When I left that party with a buddy of mine I decided that I needed to take a shower back at my apartment. During that shower (I was pretty wasted) I slipped and fell hard. At the time I was laughing and laughing. I always laugh when I fall for some reason. Since then my left quadriceps has been pulled and it looks like I was shank ed through prison style on my back.

The next day I went and played 30 holes of disc golf and I've still got it. I was spinning Big Nasty's down the course left and right. My putting game was deadly too. I hadn't played in over a year, but I guess muscle memory is thicker than thieves.

Also I picked up that UFC Undisputed game for the XBOX 360 which is one of the best things I have ever done for myself. It is teaching me Brazilian Ju Jitsu. You need to get this game and play it. Do it for yourself. Because you're dark and you like blood.

I guess this isn't much of a post, but I'm bored at work and it works for me.

Good times noodle salad.

Take 7 minutes

Having just been through a situation with a few people who I will not out here, I realized a very important part of life.

When something that was very important to you doesn't work out the way you exactly wanted it to, you need to react. If you don't then the little reptile that lives inside of you is still going to react anyway. You may as well try to get him to react on your terms, rather than his. He's got big jaws and can kill without hesitation. So you need to teach him not to over react. You need to fully come to terms with the amount of carnage he wants to do.

When you try and cage the beast in your body. He will soon turn into an angry bitter beast capable of just about anything. He will sit around and plot out schemes taking up all of your day in pensive contemplative pestilence.

Until the day you realize a little too lately that the cage can no longer contain the violent animal. So you have to grab it by it's mouth and try to fight him off. But he is already so powerful and mighty. He pins you to the floor devouring you in minutes.

And now you can't tell any bit apart. None reptilian nor human. You walk and talk and act like he and him you. And then you go on a killing spree. Maybe you don't commit murder, but you murder a relationship, friendship or social contract. Because you've become an unthinking lizard. One so confused he knows only to protect himself.

When a pile of shit could best describe the highlight of your day you need to take seven minutes. Seven minutes of havoc, consequences free. Screaming at the top of your lungs the entire time.

The beast gets tired. Too tired to fight, droopy eyed he wanders back into the box willingly and forgets all.

You're dark dummy! It's the reason you sleep. Be Dark sometimes.

-AND SCENE!

My brand new evolving survey.

I didn't find this survey anywhere. I just made it up. In fact you need to help me create it. That's the twist on my survey. You have to add your own 8 questions to it, and pass it on. Let's see how big it can get.

1. What is something we’ll never hear you say?
I'm going to become a famous armpit model.

2. When you’re a rich famous millionaire your house will have one wacky room that a normal house wouldn’t…. what is that room?
The room of a thousand chairs.

3. Have you ever broken anything? (Promises and bones count.)
One time I signed my name on my grandmother's really expensive table. I etched it in with a pencil. She was so mad. So mad, she's probably still mad.

4. How close have you been to bearing children?
Uhhh, I've been close. I've also had a girl I was sleeping with become pregnant and keep the child. Thankfully she was sleeping with the father at the same time as me. That was such a scary time. Wondering if the child was mine. And seeing her walk around all pregnant.

5. If you could pick your parents who would they be?
Well I'd have to go with A Walrus and a Donkey. Sure I'd be ugly but I'd be hung.

6. If you could pick a celebrity best friend who would it be and what is something you and said CBF would do occasionally?
Hands down it would be Christopher Walken, and every Saturday night we would hit up a really popular dance club and have dance offs.

7. You’ve just been abducted by aliens what’s one thing you hope to get to do with them?
I hope they let me stick around long enough to do some abducting and probing of my own. If not I hope they let me steer the ship for a trip around the Milky Way.

8. The city you live in has just elected you chairman of the city renaming committee what are some possibilities you will put fourth on the ballot?

This town sucks.
Monkeyville
The Dark Hole
Move Away From This City.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Ok so now you have to add 8 questions to it and post it somewhere. Do it.

65 Questions and some bees.

Umm I don't exactly know how to put this. I just had to leave my apartment and go get some bee spray. There was a bald face hornet the size of a humming bird and 4 yellow jackets fighting in my bathroom. The weird thing is I didn't notice them until after I was done taking a piss. I've never been so scared in my entire life. I just hosed my entire bathroom down with Wasp and Hornet spray. That stuff kills quickly. In fact I'm feeling a little faint myself. I'm sure it will pass.

Two lovely ladies wanted me to do this survey so while I'm waiting for the slightly weird embrace of bee spray high to wear off, I will indulge them.

1. First thing you wash in the shower?
My chest, it's really easy to reach.

2. What color is your favorite hoodie?
It's dark blue and it says ANALOG on the front. I look like a thug in it.

3. Would you kiss the last person you kissed again?
If I could even remember who that was, I bet I wouldn't.

4. Do you plan outfits?
No men can't be slowed down by such things.

5. How are you feeling RIGHT now?
I am feeling a little proud of myself for killing the bees. I was actually going to hit the hornet with a shoe. I had it in my hand for about five minutes just staring at that thing in the eyes. I'm so glad I decided to go buy chemicals. I would have probably missed him and been stung and bitten.

6. What’s the closest thing to you that's red?
A small capsule of Old Spice.

7. Tell me about the last dream you remember having:
My last dream was totally nut-tacular. However the details are escaping me. When I remember one part I forget another. I think it has to do with dreams existing in the frontal lobes and consciousness existing in the rear.

8. Did you meet anybody new today?
Do giant bees count?

9. What are you craving right now?
A shower. Where I will almost certainly be washing my chest first.

10. Do you floss daily?
That's kind of personal.

11. What comes to mind when I say cabbage?
Cabbage Patch Kids trading cards.

12. Are you emotional?
I am. Yes I am, and if feels good to admit it. *Gets teary*

13. Have you ever counted to 1,000?
I usually fall asleep around 187.

14. Do you bite into your ice cream or just lick it?
I bite into but only after trying my best just to lick it. It happens every time, but usually it tastes so good that licking it just doesn't seem to do it for me. Neither does biting. I don't exactly know what I want to do with the ice cream, maybe make out with it, or cover myself in it.

15. Do you like your hair?
I have great hair.

16. Do you like yourself?
Yes but I'm starting to hate a few of my bad habits.

17. Would you go out to eat with George W. Bush?
Yes he likes sports and so do I. I would love to watch a ballgame with him at hooters.
18. What are you listening to right now?
My new dirty little secret : Death Cab for Cutie. I'm trying to learn how to play soul meets body on guitar.

19. Are your parents strict?
No. Two of most genuinely laid back individuals you'd ever have to pleasure to meet.

20. Would you go sky diving?
I would need to be pushed and shoved out of the plane, but yea lets do this!

21. Do you like cottage cheese?
Nope. But dogs do.

22. Have you ever met a celebrity?
Yes and I'll drop those names now. Robert Duval, Sheryl Crow, Lance Armstrong, George Lopez, Arnold Schwarzneger, Dick Cheney, The lead singer of the Kaiser Cheifs, George Thurgood, and my personal favorite moment of all time was smoking a cigarette with Forrest Whitaker.


23. Do you rent movies often?
Can't say that I do.

24. Is there anything sparkly in the room you're in?
The sunlight is hitting the back of a DVDR just right, and yes it is actually sparkling.

25. How many countries have you visited?
4-5

26. Have you made a prank phone call?
It used to be one of my favorite things to do. Why did I ever stop? Oh yea...caller ID

27. Ever been on a train?
Yup but only at mueseums and stuff never one that was taking me anywhere. I've always thought it would be cool to go around the country on a train though.

28. Brown or white eggs?
Whatever you're making.

29.Do you have a cell-phone?
Yes I do. And we're in love.

30. Do you use chap stick?
Not really. Only when my lips are so apparently chapped that they're bleeding. Ok that was a joke, but you get what I mean.

31. Do you own a gun?
Nope but I've got it all picked out. I want a .44 caliber.

32. Can you use chop sticks?
Yea but only to drum on the salt and pepper shakers.

33. Who are you going to be with tonight?
My good buddy Mike and his family.

34. Are you too forgiving?
Nope I am just the perfect amount of forgiving.

35. Ever been in love?
Probably not. That sucks I know, but I'm being honest.

36. What is your best friend(s) doing tomorrow?
He's in Amsterdam right now. Probably sight seeing.

37. Ever have cream puffs?
I don't exactly know what that is.

38. Last time you cried?
When I got dropped off at the airport by my Mom last month.

39. What was the last question you asked?
"Who else has been working on this computer?"

40. Favorite time of the year?
I'm a fally. Football and girls in sweaters. And football and cold rain, and muddy football.

41. Do you have any tattoos?
I have two tattoos. A famous stick figure on my left shoulder, and the theatre masks on my right shoulder blade.

42. Are you sarcastic?
Nooooooo, I'm not.

43. Have you ever seen The Butterfly Effect?
Yes. What a great movie! Seriously Amelia watch it!

44. Ever walked into a wall?
Yea they're sneaky.

45. Favorite color?
Blue

46. Have you ever slapped someone?
Yes but she asked me to.

47. Is your hair curly?
No it's pretty straight.

48. What was the last CD you bought?
Well I just downloaded Death Cab for Cutie's entire discography, so we'll go with that. I haven't payed for a cd since 2002. It was probably Chevelle's self titled album.

49. Do looks matter?
I'm starting to think that they don't. And I'm finding myself more and more addicted to chubby women than I'm frankly comfortable with.

50. Could you ever forgive a cheater?
Yea but I'd rather not.

51. Is your phone bill sky high?
I don't gab on it a lot during non free times, so nope. And I gots millions of roll over minutes.

52. Do you like your life right now?
I want to change it so badly. I'm stuck. If you're reading this, rescue me!

53. Do you sleep with the TV on?
Yes I have to.

54. Can you handle the truth?
Yea I can, but I'm better at hiding from it, or running from it.

55. Do you have good vision?
20/10 baby.

56. Do you hate or dislike more than 3 people?
I don't know how many Arabs are there? That made me laugh so hard. You laughed to admit it.

57. How often do you talk on the phone?
With the right person I can talk for a very very long time.

58. The last person you held hands with?
???

59. What are you wearing?
Jeans and a red shirt.

60.What is your favorite animal?
I like cats and dogs and humans.

61. Where was your default picture taken at?
In my bathroom.

62. Can you hula hoop?
The last time I tried I was pretty good. With all of the dancing I've been doing I'm getting better at hip eye cordination. I bet I could kill a hula hoop right now.

63. Do you have a job?
Yes I do. I work for Presentation Services. I've been there going on four years now. I think they're poisoning the water, I usually quit jobs after about two months.

64. What was the most recent thing you bought?
Raid Wasp and Hornet death in a can.

65. Have you ever crawled through a window?
Have I? *smiles*

My Problems with 9/11

I am not a conspiracy nut. I swear to God I am not. But I have a few problems with the official story of what took place on September 11, 2001. And here they are.

There have only been 3 sky scrapers that have ever collapsed from a fire. They are World Trade Center Towers 1, 2, and 7.

There have been hundreds of sky scrapers that have been on fire over the years. And none of them have ever collapsed. Some of them have even burned for six to seven times longer than the Twin Towers did, and they did not collapse. And they were not constructed as well as the Twin Towers.

My second problem with the official story is 9 of the 19 hijackers are still alive! This has been verified by several news agencies as well as the governments of Saudi Arabia and The United Kingdom.

How could 9 of them still be alive, unless....they were never in the planes.

My third problem with the official story is the fact that the particular type of Steel used to construct the towers, which has a melting point around 3000 degrees Fahrenheit is supposed to have been melted by Jet fuel which only burns at 1100 degrees. And it only burns that hot when the fuel level is constant. You can see most of the Jet Fuel shoot out of the side of the towers on impact. How could something that doesn't burn hot enough to melt something else, in fact melt it?

My fourth and final problem with the official story is this. There has never been one shred or inkling of evidence that ties the crimes that took place on 9/11 to anybody. Especially not Osama Bin Laden. Or a covert organization called "The Base" which when translated in Arabic comes out "Al Qaeda."

There are thousands of other incredibly false statements in the official 9/11 commission report. But these four prove beyond any doubt in my mind at least that the story we have been forced to believe is not true.

What does anybody else think? It's OK to think, and to question your government.

My night with Gob Bluth

If you don't know by now, I'm an Audio Video Technician. And if you don't know what that is picture a monkey in your mind. Shave that monkey and dress him in a suit, and that's me.



So tonight I'm helping out this Magician. All I am supposed to do is hook his little musical device into my sound system. No big deal right? Well his little box called an Mp3 Tech made by a company called Wireless Wizards, doesn't work.

It's a shame too because this device allows him to attach a little wireless remote control to his ankles and wrists, and they all control this little box that plays all of his sound effects across the room. It's a great idea too, because only the Magician can know for sure when to do the effect; so why shouldn't he be the one making it happen?

It's kaput. We call tech support, and everything but we can't get one in time for the show. So I ask him what the backup plan is. And he tells me, "Cash the check and run."

He thought about it for a moment, and decided against that plan. So what he made me do is watch his show three times in a row (three times too many), and learn all of the musical cues. Which was impossible! This mother shut your mouth had almost 100 musical cues for his act. There are entire productions of Cats, and The Producers that have less cues.

And as I'm watching his act I'm learning why. He needs the music to cover up all of the tricks that don't work. Nothing worked! It was like watching Gob Bluth do his "illusions Michael!"

So somehow we pulled this off. It reminded me of staying up all night to do a scene with some classmates for Michael Landman's Characterization class. Somehow this guy who I had thought was a total clown on the verge of collapse, is sawing women in half, and finding people's cards. And even more surprising throughout my scribbled notes, and his laptop I was able to play all of his cues for him. Did a few of them come early? Or late? You bet your ass they did. But we made it work, like a finely tuned Directing II final. I helped this entertainer get paid.

I know for a certainty that he made at least a thousand bucks for his two hour performance. He's a C-List name that I won't drop here, to save him some face, but let's just say this guy charges a bundle.

Now I wasn't expecting a tip, but I really was. A nice fat one, wrapped in money. I just saved this show, and his reputation. And for that he slipped me a twenty. I felt like a bottom ho getting an allowance from her pimp. I was all used and wet.

So you know what I did? I just stood there. But you know what I was doing in my mind? I was urinating. All over something of his something with intrinsic vale. Like his rabbit, or his wife.

Seriously though what a bastard. I had a better shot at being the magician than the sound guy based on the amount of prep time I had. And then I somehow pull it off, and this is the thanks I get?

I don't know what I really was expecting though. I think I would have settled on a Mercedes. Maybe a Lexus.

The Cannonball House

Today I forged the sweltering heat of Macon Georgia to see a Confederate War museum. Before leaving we checked the website to make sure it was going to be an official place, and not some bumpkin's back 40 with a flag on it. It appeared real enough so off we went. My step father doing the driving as my DUI is still valid even in the deep south.

After parking and finding the house, we realized that we had ran out of camera battery power. So off we went in search of some double A's. Which were very hard to find, especially since we were not natives of Macon.

Over and across many hills did we trek, until providence itself guided us to a local camera shop. Seven dollars and thirty minutes later we arrived back at our original destination.

The Cannonball House is famous and aptly named because during the Civil War two cannon balls were shot into Macon Georgia. And one rolled up into and destroyed the front of Judge Polk's house. Apparently it was rebuilt by the Daughters of the Southern Confederacy. A group who goes around to minor historical sights and fixes them up out of boredom, and their plotted escape from it. With the eventual goal of over charging yanks and lookey lous admission to poke and trod through southern antiquity.

There was nobody else around. Aside from the tour guide and my traveling companion, we were we abandoned. That should have been a tip off to the "treasures" that lie within. Only in hindsight can such a poverty of foresight be seen!

Twelve dollars and some short introductions later we began the tour. The tour guide was appropriately named Mary-Lou "A fine southern name", she said. A 76 year old woman who has been giving the unfortunate tour for unfortunately too long.

Mary Lou did her best to keep our attention and spirits high as she peddled little tidbits of a remarkably unremarkable blip in the ides of history. The house in total had 9 rooms. And was a lovely house. A giant parlor and grotesquely over sized dining room were the key features.

She spent about twenty minutes rambling on about nothing much in every room. We had slated the entire afternoon to tour most of the town of Macon. Little did we know it would take almost all of the allotted time to get through Mary Lou's speech.

She was a pleasant enough old gal. At times a younger and more focused train of thought would peer through her cobwebbed spiel. Only to be derailed by a combination of old age, and what I detected hatred at the story. A story that she herself had told thousands of times, to thousands of people.

I felt like I had to pass out at least 4 times during the tour. I made myself remain stable for Mary Lou's sake though. I didn't want to ruin this poor old woman's day, even at the expense of my very own.

I never asked my Step Father if he wanted to leave as badly as I did. But I'm sure while he was standing there next to me the same thoughts were going through his mind. Trying to figure out some polite way to leave, or hoping that one of those over-sized chandeliers would fall on her. Not that I wanted her to die, or give witness to that event. I just wanted some reason, any reason deservedly so to leave.

There was a moment a slight lapse of constitution where I caught myself day dreaming of shoving her into a small out of the way closet and running toward what was left of my day. All I could do was remain attentive and polite however. After all I have the rest of my life ahead of me. How many tours could Mary Lou really have left in her? I was supportive and attentive for her sake. Even asking questions about what she had just been saying. A technique I have picked up at work which makes people actually believe you're listening.

Finally at the end of the tour we got to the advertised War Museum room. Which was the entire reason we went all that way. It was an 8x8 foot room full of not one but two Confederate Uniforms, and three bullets. What a disappointment! What a disaster! What an afternoon!

On the way toward sunset and the car, I remarked to my traveling companion. "At least we got to meet Mary Lou." Who is by far the treasure of the Cannon Ball house. An idiosyncratic lady, on the obscure road of life.

One blog for the road...

It's been a busy week. I managed to bang my head(for details read the blog after this one), and bust my knee up pretty good. Two Guys and a Truck got pulled off without a hitch, and I was able to unify the belts once again in Fight Night Round 3 as "Smoking" Joe Frazier. I retired after going 60-0.



I know that's not Joe Frazier, but I didn't want to spend the time searching for a picture of him. Fight Night has got to be my favorite video game. I think I like it so much, because the games are short, and the blood and violence levels are high. Just when you think there's no way you could possibly injure the computer player's face anymore than you have already done, it happens. Seriously they need to show the guy hosing the ring off after Smoking Joe Frazier is done with them. The only negative thing about that game is, I'm done with it. I've cranked the difficultly level all the way up, and tried it from every different angle it could possibly be played. So come on already EA Sports where's Fight Night Round 4 when you need it? I'm going to feel jipped if it's already out and I don't know about it.

I don't know why I feel compelled to write a last blog before I leave. It's not like my parents don't have the Internet. I'm not going to be spending every second of every day with them. There will be time to blog in Georgia.

I got to work on this sick ass show this week. I'm usually not that stoked about the things we do at my hotel. We do some pretty good shows, but they never look fantastic or anything. We convinced the client to fork over fifty thousand dollars so we finally got a chance/budget to do something crazy. And it took a lot of fucking work. But here's a picture of the finished product.




I built that. I built all of that. Did people help me? Yes they did, but I built it all. You may not be able to really see what's going on in that picture so I'll tell you. It's a 27x22 foot box truss standing upright on 14 foot legs. With one extension wing to support a rear projected screen. There are 5 Mac 550 moving lights on the rig, 30 Led up-lights, and 20 ACL back lights(There are some sprinkled in ellipsoidal too). It's also got over 100 feet of diamond shaped spandex. It looked awesome, with the spandex coming alive when all the movers were working together. I don't usually get to work with the project manager I was working with this week. But I'm sure after this show I'll be working with him more. It's nice sometimes to put out a good product and feel like you're making a difference every once in a while.

So yea I've officially been on vacation all day I suppose. I didn't get done breaking that damn set down until 5am last night, so I slept the first day of vacation, but I've got 7 more in a row.

I guess this is supposed to be the part where I tell you all if I die in a fiery plane crash that I love you all. I am that easy! If you read my blog you have my undying love. And if you're pretty! No fattys!

There should be a service that goes around and deletes your myspace/facebook account if you die. I was just thinking about that. How horrible it will be to still be able to go to my friend's pages after they are gone. I have seen a few, and I suppose they turn into a sort of tribute site. But I don't want whatever was on my mind last to be the first thing everyone sees for the rest of eternity.

I need to give someone my password so if I perish they can maintain my account for me. I know that's a pretty heavy question to ask someone though. And I should probably have a back up too, in case they die before I die. Like an alternate. I don't like thinking about this stuff, my stomach kind of hurts now.

A Gonzo

When I hurt myself people like to hear about it. I have never been one for collecting the acceptance of others, but until I overcome my self inflicting accident proneness problem I might just have to put up with it. Let's not kid ourselves either, if I didn't enjoy telling a double whopper with sound effects and the like would I be sitting here in my undergarments at 2am scribbling away, and hating every paragraph until I write the next?

So people like people when they hurt themselves. And people know about this. So other people tell people about it. So that somebody else might feel comfortable enough talking about a time they hurt themselves. Unless they lack the skills necessary of captivating their audience with the best material money can't buy. Then even if they did hurt themselves in the story, you can't enjoy it because you've fallen asleep.

I know one girl who loves it when you fall. And because of this she is almost certain to become a tripper. That's why I always walk down the stairs behind her, not because she has a great caboose, that's just the icing. She loves it when you fall because she's just like everyone else. The pleasure in someone Else's pain must be the sixth sense of the human being.

And if you cannot see someone fall down or take an arrow of fire to their crotch. Then hearing about it, is the next best thing. But if the person who lit the arrow on fire and then shot it at their own crotch, lives to tell you about it it is like a little slice of Heaven. Or some secular equivalent. Like pie. A little slice of Cherry pie. With a small side of vanilla ice-cream.

So here's the latest incarnation to fuel the sixth sense of my fellow man. Sometimes I wonder if I do these things to myself knowingly. But if it were planned I doubt I would walk away as unbroken as I always do. Luck plays an important part in living to tell the tale. He's perhaps the most important attribute of every accidental circumstance.

I'm driving a lift today, and everything is going smooth. My operation was running like a hard knife cutting through a soft cube of butter. I have taken this vessel many times on a very similar journey like today's.

I maneuver through elevators, crowded hallways and tight loading docks. Full of passerby fuck nuts who think because they're in your way already they might as well stay there. And who could blame them? They walk as if moving a singular muscle at a time, never quite grasping that the hip bone is connected to the foot bone. Their pace makes all of us older, and then quite younger again as they slither on by.

It is at this time when I ask two of my fellow men, to help me watch the wheels as I have to make a 19 point turn down a skinny concrete walkway. Whomever designed the loading dock at the Sheraton Hotel in Sacramento should be shot in the nuts with a device of electrocution. Or buried alive in the ocean with concrete stockings holding giant bags of shark bait.

As I'm making part 18 of the 19 point turn to back down the ramp, I turn to my right to check my back wheels. When all of a sudden I'm hit with what feels like a Louisville slugger on the right side of my cranium. The gentleman who are supposed to be looking out for my safety during the time, both see this happen, and at the top of their lungs "OH!?!?" "Watch out!."

Let me recreate that turn of events for you. In case you weren't paying attention. The corner of a giant wooden awning doing exactly what it is supposed to do, staying inanimate and where it was put in the year 2003 gets attacked with the full force of my cranium smashing into the corner of it, and then......my "spotters" tell me to watch out. That is some excellent spotting.

So I'm probably the only person who has ever slammed his head into such a structure and not immediately passed out. I had to put off passing out until I was done driving the lift. I didn't cry or flinch or swear. It didn't even effect me.

However my spotter extraordinaire told me that I had a second head growing out of my first one. And because I didn't want to have to start buying shirts with two holes for my heads I put some ice on it. And that's when the pain really started. Whomever invented ice should be forced to do body shots off of Roseanne Barr's hairy stomach.

I felt like I needed to vomit. That's how hard I hit my head. I didn't hear the loud noise that the impact made, because I was in some sort of acoustic shadow. I only got to hear about how loud of a noise that the others heard. I was too busy making it. Silly me.

And everyone was laughing it up and it was great. Aside from that giant knot on my head. And that lingering thought in the back of my other one; the part that had not succumbed to a concussion that I could have been very less lucky. For if I was to take that same blow to the head one inch lower and one inch to the left give or take, that I would be blogging from the hospital right now. Just thinking about that is making my right temple hurt at this very moment.

In the great battle of cranium versus awning we learned that no matter how hard you may try, you will never be able to break a giant piece of wood with your head. Especially at the corner where it is attached to another giant piece of wood. That's perhaps the strongest part of the structure. I would recommend for anyone trying this in the future to attack it from the side. You might just have a break through.

Has Collective Soul always been this hardcore?

If there was one album that I owned as many as 4 times while growing up it was Collective Soul. The blue one the self titled one. Everyone owned it. If you look through your old cds it will be in there. And if you can't or won't admit that to yourself that's fine. But you're a dirty liar.

I'll give you a hint, turn it up!


SeeqPod - Playable Search

Isn't that some of the most hardcore shit ever? I'm bringing back 1995 one band at a time. And it all starts with Collective Soul.

Why we lie...

I found this in a book I'm reading. It doesn't tell you who or where it's from. I found it to be pretty inspiring. A little poke in the head, if you will?





Why We Lie

Everyone lies a little bit, and that’s no lie.

It may be a little white lie told to spare someone’s feelings, but everyone
does it. We are all guilty. We start lying at a young age (around four or five)
to finagle something we want or to get out of trouble.

We lie both to please people and to appease them. We lie to strengthen
relationships and to maintain them. We lie to make ourselves feel better
about lying to someone else.

However, oftentimes the best lies (meaning the ones that are most believable
to other people) are the lies we tell ourselves.

If we can hide the truth from ourselves, it’s so much easier to cloak it
from others. Why do we lie? Generally speaking, because we can get away
with it.

Dear Blog...

I can't sleep tonight blog. I'm terrified, and laying there with my eyes closed just isn't making me feel any better. So I thought I'd get up and lay it all out on the line for you, you always know what to say to make me feel better.

I haven't felt the scorn of the bitter economy yet. I say yet because I know, as a logical man that it is coming. I fear not that I will be laid off, but that it will be much worse than that. I have pretty good reason to believe that there is a scheme going on behind closed doors.

A letter from a superior at work woke me up tonight to the situation. As always us little men on the bottom are being asked to sacrifice more and more to save a company that at the best of times has always kept us down. We shall be showered with the gifts of nothingness and destitution. While those on top shall reap the reward of "saving the company."

I fear that through their actions they are trying to make us the worst of us quit, and the best of us stretch out so thinly that we shall be unseen. And it's a really crummy way to feel.

A part of me quietly dreams when I can sleep about what I would do if I were not a slave. What adventures I am missing out on, and the pitfalls of freedom. Sooner than later I'm afraid that I will find out. How desperate times can really get, and how I shall react.

You see I finally realized it tonight. They will not lay us off. They will simply not schedule us. And it's already happening. It's really quite brilliant how short sighted and greedy a massive corporation can and will be.

What will become of me blog? Where will I sleep and eat? How will I keep the lights on, and maintain you?

A part of me knows what I'm capable of. If I had to rob, murder or kidnap ... well let's not finish that sentence.

I'm so sick of my chains. I keep dreaming of a little creek somewhere in the middle of a beautiful valley. A place where there aren't any walls to attach these shackles. Somewhere where people help each other. A place just to be. Whatever you are. Full of smiles and hope.

Smiles and hope. Those were the days. Thanks blog, I feel a little better.

A Piano Beat

So I made a drum track that was speaking to me.

Then I decided to bust out the concert piano synthesizer.

And I thought it was so cool I made this movie.

Enjoy.

My Brother

I know it's a little late for Halloween pics. But my brother was a nun this year, and I just found some of his pictures, and they won't really do him justice, but check em out.... he is too funny.

We naturally do it.

I'm sick of that word. Why do I say it? I'm sick of a lot of words. I'm so sick of the word sick right now.

I'm so ailing, bedridden, broken down, confined, debilitated, declining, defective, diseased, frail, ill, impaired, indisposed, laid-up, and wobbly of the word.

Here's some other words and why I hate them.

Naturally - I actually love the word naturally. I just don't like how there aren't other ways to say it. Most people use it. If you didn't say it people would ask you..."do you mean like....naturally?"

"that's how he naturally does it?"

So instead of replacing it with another word, I'm thinking about replacing it with some short gibes which are more my style than quips:

"And so just like all the other blood sucking maggots he drank the blood."

"And like all busy beavers, her shit was for sale."

"And so it came to him as if it were something out of nature. Yes indeed like something that was natural. And so he broke it."

How about those things that you say, that you don't even know what they mean? They're like social cues that somehow shoot without warning out of your mouth.

Things like the phrase loud and clear.

"How well can you hear me?"

"Oh I hear you LOUD_N_CLEAR"

We even change the way we talk to say things like that. To a more kind of guy in a fire station yell. "LOUD N CLEAR"

Have you ever really heard someone loud, or clear? No you just say that because once you actually tried to say something original in it's place. You said something else like "I hear you just fine."

You were being silly thinking that you with all of your cleverness you could even fathom how many eons of languages it took to perfect the phrase LOUD N CLEAR.

But they don't understand. They think you're not hearing them fine. They're asking people around them, "Did he say loud, woah?!? did he say.... clear?" They're waiting for a LOUD N CLEAR. And you're forced to give it to them.

Or what about that game we all play, called "How are you doing?"

Has anyone ever wanted to know how somebody else was doing? Really? Somebody that just happens to be walking down the same hallway as you. Sometimes it's not you though, it's them. They start the game. It doesn't matter who starts, you're playing now.

"Hi how are you doing?"

"I'm....doing great!"

"Oh well that's nice, Yea you know who else is doing great....me yea."

"great."

"yes and it's great you're great too."

(and then as you walk away)

"Hey, next time we're in the hallway....?"

"Oh most certainly. We must do this again."

Here's another version of "How are you doing?" This is the version that you've been down before with some really good hallway buddies in the past. The one that makes you kind of realize that things like this aren't ever meant to be.

"Hi how are you?"

"Oh hey what's going on?"

"Hey we see each other in this hallway a lot don't we?"

"Like totally!"

"Do you wanna meet in another hallway sometime?."

"YES!!!"

"Or what if? Like say, I didn't want to see you in a hallway at all? What if I wanted to see you in something that had like 4 walls and shit?"

"Yes, you could."

"Could I say hi?"

"Sure, unless unless... I say it first."

"Oh I will say it first. Because you are so cool."

"I dunno because I think you're cooler than me."

"Well we'll see who's cooler. When we (beat) hang out!"

"Oh we will. We will sooooo hang out."

"We are so hanging out."

"I don't even need your number, because I'm already going to be at your house."

"I will not be there, because I will be knocking on your door."

and then a week goes by......the two of you meet again. Neither of you has kept any of the promises from the previous engagement. Which you have to address. Because there's no secrets between hallway friends.

"Dood I have been meaning to call you."

"No it is I who has been meaning to call."

"I'm sorry, it's just that life outside of this hallway is very hard."

"I know it's hard for me too."

"You're not judging me?"

"No man, I love you."

"I love you too."

(you embrace)

"Ok so we are definitely hanging out now right?"

"I mean we just hugged in the freaking hallway man. You complete me."

"So it's on then?"

"Like Donkey Kong. I don't even know what that means, it's like Jesus just mouth raped me."

"No I say it too. It's OK."

"It is OK, to say those things sometimes. Things you don't mean."

"Sometimes those things just come out of your mouth."

"Yea, hey wow you really understand me!"

"Are we going to get like matching tattoos?"

"If we don't somehow figure out how to just inhabit the same body."

and then another week goes by.....And you still haven't talked to this person again. And when you see them, and they see you you both kind of hate yourself. And so just to be polite. You feel it's best to just tone it down. And over time not even talk anymore. Because well, you need to be able to walk down this hall way and not have a five minute conversation with everyone. And they in turn need it too.
And this time, you both try something.

You just start ignoring each other. And it's working, and it's beautiful. And it's a great place to be sometimes. And that goes on and on, until one of you brings it up.


"Yea I knew it"

"Knew what?"

"That we could be more than hallway friends."

"Oh no we could never be more than that."

"Why not?"

"Because you're some just freak I met in the hallway."

"Oh yea well hey! So are you."

"You're creepy. Talking to someone in a hallway. What is wrong with you? I could be a serial killer.

"Well are you?"

"No."

"Are you?"

"No."

"Good keep it up."

"Yeah you keep it up too."

You see you'll never be friends. And if you are, then you'll have to tell people that you met in a hallway. And then all those questions are going to start up.

"Well what were you doing? Just standing there. Cuz that doesn't make any sense."

"Yea I was just there man. And so was he."

"He was just standing there too?"

"Dood it was like destiny."



What words do you hate?

Come in touch with something new today

The human brain is a cataclysm of comfortable past experiences. You are an emergent entity, that changes overtime from the inside out. Have you really become all that you can be? Or are you stuck in a state of acceptable stress, or acceptable identity?

You are who you are only because you taught yourself to be this way. But what if I were to tell you that you could change the past by influencing your own future? You have the ability to re-wire or remap your own brain. You have an enormous potential to change your life. You only need to believe that you can do this. The first step is letting go of yourself.

It could all start today. You could start letting go of all of your baggage right now if you wanted. You feel compelled to be yourself only because you are addicted to your emotions that are chemically produced when you are.

I challenge every person who reads this message to start making the shift from "me" to "one."

Today is an opportunity that you're never going to get again. A singular point in time and space where you can start the creation of your own reality.

Do something uncomfortable today! Create something new today, get in your own face. Let go of and challenge your own morality. Step outside of that comfortable little box you've created. There is no wrong no right there is only you. You have to become it, to know what you should become.

That which we are most afraid of, is what thrills us the most.

A little song I was working on this morning

Just a little improv because I was up early...

There are a couple of weird mic pops in it, I've got to get a better mic for the house. It is what it is.

While it's not a necessity this song sounds bad-asstical in headphones.

Inspired by a conversation...

It's never a planned out thing really. You're most definitely not sitting there at work watching the seconds go by thinking about it. You're not in your car on the way home telling yourself : "OK I'm gonna shower, change my clothes, and then flip it on".

What I'm talking about is watching a porno-Esq flick on your television.

It starts out innocently enough.





You're watching that re-run of Seinfeld. The one you've seen a million times, called "Not that there's anything wrong with that." You're laughing and have a great time. Then a commercial hits, and instinctively you press the "guide" button to see what else you could be watching.



You scroll down through the endless list of nothingness that you're paying ungodly amounts of cash each month for. The commercial break is un-seemingly long and now you're down in the movie channel section.

Two words stand out to you on the screen for some reason. Fatal Attraction! You start to process what those two words mean. A curious voice in the back of your mind starts probing your frontal lobes. "Isn't there some tittys in that movie?"

And then being the good detective that you are you have to find out.

And after further examination there aren't just tittys in that movie, there are fantastic tittys in that movie.




And nobody is around. And before you know it, it's 3am. And now you're watching ....

Sex Games Cancun 3.



And no you didn't set out to do this. But you did this because you're a dirty male, with a dirty mind. And you're a slave to testosterone.